It Starts With You

I guess I should start from the beginning, the one step I had to make in order to change my reality. I wrote this back in December of 2023, I knew that what I did was important even though it was still early in my journey. I have come a long way since I wrote this but it gives you a glimpse of where I was a year ago...

I suffered for too long, I couldn’t continue living in this hell. I was stuck, having anxieties about my past and what is to come in the future. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt joy, happiness, peace. I thought therapy and medication was going to save me, that I would be able to feel like my old self again. I knew there was a way out but I didn’t know where to start, how to come out of this. It all started with making one little change. I believe going to Wisconsin (September 2023) for a few weeks to get away was what I needed to start loving myself again. I got to spend a lot of time alone, which was nice since my boyfriend at the time was always around, a thorn in my side. I still felt lots of anxiety while I was in Wisconsin, I knew deep down he wasn’t the one, but I was so afraid of being alone. Stepping into the real world at 25, single and hating the career I was in…I was in complete turmoil.

I feel like after that trip to Wisconsin I started to wake up a little bit more each day, realizing that if I was going to feel better I had to get out of that toxic relationship. When I was honest with my girlfriends about how I felt about him and the way he treated me, I knew what I had to do. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make until that point, was I making a huge mistake? He is the first person to “love” me or claims he did. What if I’m not going to find someone who loves me, how am I going to be okay alone? The day after I broke up with him was the first day in two years I woke up without a pain in my chest. I felt free, happy even. Just the fact I wasn’t constantly sick to my stomach every day and worried about making him upset. That happiness came only from getting out of the relationship, so eventually the happiness wore off. I started to feel the uncertainty rise up, now what?

While I was in Wisconsin, I took up journaling a bit, not anything crazy but writing down how I felt. Most of the entries I wrote in Wisconsin are very heartbreaking, I was so broken at that time. October 24th, 2023 (the day after the breakup) was the day I woke up with no anxiety, I journaled about it. I journaled how I need to be alone and work on myself. Four days later I wrote again, I started out saying I’m not sure if this is a prayer or gratitude but I do remember writing this because I felt extremely grateful in that moment. I was just sitting there on my bedroom floor, not doing anything, just sitting there smiling. That was the moment I felt peace, stillness in my mind. That is when I started to become aware of my thoughts.